Yesterday, I graduated.. and the world flipped its axis

Or so I'd like to think.


I dont feel different, I'm not sure if you're immediatly supposed to, but in some sense - there's a degree of finality that's bizarre in that I'm not finding it as terrifying as I had been. I mean, for the past few months I'd refused to think about it, to even so much as write down the impending date - and here I am, having been the one most in denial, and yet I feel like I can live with it. Or that I'm dealing with it in a way thats healthy. Or that in some way, in some measure - I'll be okay. I really dont think that sounds too revolutionary, but for me and the state I was in - it really is. I think it helped to see others around me just as affected as I had been for months in the end, cause I felt a whole lot less peculiar. This is my family, these people I've found, these friends I've managed to be lucky enough to procure around me. And with them, with each and every one of them - is a piece of home. People go there whole lives trying to find a place that feels like home, that intangible feeling or presence in which comfort, aspiration and acceptance all transpire at once, and I'm fortunate enough to have had it now. No matter what happens, each of these people will have a little piece of home in them, and no matter how far apart geographically we end up - that'll never change.

And to the class of 2007, I can only hope that it is our idealism that will transform the world.

My body is aching, it feels like its wearing me

It has been absolutely forever.

Its funny when in a couple of months, the whole world can shift on its axis. And the place you considered yourself at.. almost permanently for a while perhaps, is so far in the distant that its perplexing to even think of.

Fall semester of senior year '06. I feel like I've come full circle. And not just contemplatively since I've been in one hell of a frightening car accident Monday (hitting an ambulance in an intersection is a nightmare if there are any) and feel the need to reaffirm what I know of myself. The extent of how far I've come since I was a freshman in college with newfound freedom that I could barely realize.. is really just something else. I still remember how naive I was, how naive I still really am, but in the same sense, I miss that innocence. I miss that ability to not concern myself with anything outside of my bubble and my best friend and .. everything that wasn't UST. At the same time, I know looking back it was a kind of queer chosen ignorance. It was easier, it was safer, it was.. less worriesome, less challenging, less nervewracking. And now here I am, having symbolically at least taken a step away from it all. I don't think I could go back either. Not that the road is impenetrable now, not that there's too much baggage, it just wouldn't be wholly satisfying after I've experienced so much more outside of it, I would think.

The shift began when Natalie was still here, I know, especially during that spring semester. I could feel it, even if I couldn't say just why it was, that distance broached everything. I miss her immensely, and I need to write her. I'm indebted to her in more ways than she could know.

And then there was London. Beautiful, tragic, sheer glorious London. A lifetime in six weeks, a myriad of emotions & experiences & people & conversations I would sacrifice it all to have again. from dancing in Brick Lane to rushing through the tube before midnight, from losing yourself in the East End to taking in the countryside on a train, from the characteristic Starbucks chats to the poshness of Harrods, from parks and cemetaries and winding walks to Oxford Street and Bond to the originality that was Camdentown, from the lovely SOAS to the tragedy of the Thames at midnight to the wonder that was the high life of London- every inch of it was unforgettable. I couldn't get it all down if I tried, and yet here I am months after still attempting like a fool. There are moments when you feel so invincible, so alive, so in one - that you'll spend years after referencing it.

I was so ready to return, not knowing that what I missed so dearly since my departure, could not quite completely replace what I had found in my absence elsewhere. Still, 2006 was supposed to be London's year, and though it was so much, it had far more in store for me than merely overseas.

Due to chance and perhaps fate and maybe, just maybe, sheer purpose, I found myself drawn outside ofwhat had so consistently made up my life to that point. UST had always existed on the periphery of what I found important, and yet I'm more involved than I ever was. and imagined myself to be. Friends that I truly appreciate and feel connected to for with them I can be as paradoxical as I am and myself as I possibly could, I found in sometimes the most unexpected of places and ways. Thesis, as interesting and unexpected of an experience it was narrowing it down, brought me a great friend, Philippe. I'd known of him in the past since we are the same major, but hadn't expected the similarities between us, and am fortunate for the opportunity given to get to know him better (and thesis therapy sessions are much needed). With the Union of the Politically Progressive, on top of it, I think we make a great political and activist team on campus. I reconnected with another friend with whom I'd always felt a connection, but never had the chance to quite explore, Mars. She's just lovely, and really someone I think of as almost a part of me, we can be so alike. I found a great and hilarious friend in Ana-Maria, who's not only a perfect person to study with for her intense motivation, but one I just adored talking & connecting with these past few months, especially over tea. Reviving ISS also became a manageable task, and one I'll consider something to carry into next semester. I'm so proud of what we were capable of doing on that front (roundtable discussion success!), as well as absolutely everything the UPP did this semester. It will sound incredibly cocky, but the latter has to be the finest, most admirable organization on campus.

Its funny, almost, to think of how life changes, and yet things still proceed in the same thread. I didn't expect the distance between myself and her, and yet that distance can be so easily broached sometimes that I'm left amazed. Its just as it always was then, and I'm relieved.

Collape Into Me, Tired With Joy

I have had the most glorious days.

Agora yesterday with Jen, helping her study. It was more just us hanging out, relaxed, with very little to do and I can't say how nice that was. We've seen each other so much since I got back, but its different when you've got nothing to do and you can just talk. Not really about anything in particular, but just talk. I missed her so much for that, cause we get so busy sometimes with work and school and life, in general. Today, we took her Yorkie, Ben, all over town, well, school and the Village. He's the best puppy in the world, you cannot possibly feel down when he's there.

I saw a Scrubs episode today where JD narrated something about how you realize time's on your side when you stop fighting it. And its true, it really is. I feel as if I can stand still, and that things will work out. That maybe not everything goes the way you wish it would, but you're capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for. That there are days when you can't breathe, but others that follow where you can sit on a smoke break swimming in nostalgia, and be all right. And really, that sometimes people aren't the right fit for each other. That it's all right to walk away when you've been hurt, because that takes a lot more strength than you think.

I'm going to be just fine.

Was It Always You/ And Never Me

I'm immensely hurt.

That alone takes effort to write, but I must since I feel there's no other way for me to grasp the insanity that has become my thoughts.

I've never thought about things needing to be balanced in relationships. Perhaps, I have, but not to the extent that I am now. I've always thought that for the sake of friendship, much can be sacrificed and overlooked. As it should be. But I took that notion too far, and now I'm hurt and have no one to blame but myself.

I will never be self-righteous to the point of absurdity.
I will never let pride be the root of my demise.
I will never hurt another so blatantly, that words won't exist in response.

I wil never again let myself be taken for granted.

I never predicted one I considered one of my closest confidantes to strike at me with such disregard of feeling that I'm left blindsided and stunned that I did not know her better. If even, at all.

Break the night with colour...

Everyone's leaving, and its breaking my heart.

So I took the final Friday. Stressed the night before terribly, slept about an hour and a half, and truly felt sick to my stomach afterwards. I think I did all right, considering though. I'll know in a few weeks, anyway. Kirsty and Farwa both decided to opt out. Terrible predicament considering no support in the fact that the two friends decide against taking it. Of course, Kirsty had decided early on, while Farwa overslept the day of it and actually had prepared, so that's unfortunate.

I was going to go to sleep afterward, just because there was a plan of possibly going dancing that night and I didnt want to collapse. Of course, Maria called and then Kirsty to let me know she was coming to campus. I headed to the great pancake place across Holburn for coffee before heading to school. Bought some LSE shirts for Maleeha and Daddy, Habeeb, being nice, helped out trying to figure out the right size for my dad.

Kirsty and I hung out at Starbucks for a while, and I swear, it was perfect. I was about ready to fall asleep again, but good conversation, you can't balk at that. She's going to stay at the same dormitory Prince William did. I will somehow find a way to visit her, seriously, how nice is that? We ended up going shopping to Oxford Street and I gotta say, I've rarely had as much fun looking through clothes. I love the United Colours of Benetton, btw. Nice place. It was fun dressing up in Gap and laughing at what strange appearances we turned into. It'll be cool to see where she ends up in a few years, whether a diplomat or not, I doubt she'd compromise.

I'm gonna miss her, she was really something else. Very down to hang out with, and one of the funniest people I've met here. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had her in class with me this second session. With as dull as class was, Farwa and she were the only reasons worth attending (that and a credit, yes yes). Incredibly insightful too, her intelligence never ceased to amaze me when discussions commenced about the most random of topics.

The farewell party was sad, although the karoake and crowd of people did everything to make it lousy. I liked the first farewell party more, I must admit, for it was all of us in that corner, food before us, and conversations of films and nietzche abounding. This time it felt like so many were missing, even if some of them came letter, it just wasn't the same. I suppose the ghosts of those that had left felt much more poignant in that place where we'd last sat with them.

I'm getting carried away with myself, perhaps.

Mana, Soraya, Farwa, Maria, Aleisha, Habeeb, and I decided to then go to this bhangra club called Bar Bollywood, but it was actually called Yatra. We all got ready, well in particular me since Mana, Soraya, and Farwa were set to go. It was great though just sitting in my room with the three of them, eating chips and discussing which one we wanted to go to, or how to get there. I called some places for directions and its funny how much better you're treated by brown people if they think you're American (as my accent obviously makes clear). We end up leaving and eating when we get there since Soraya was starving, and since its a restaurant upstairs, it worked out well. Great Indian food, too. I perhaps should have held back from eating since I was going to go dance, but these thoughts of wisdom are always too late.

The night was absolutely madly fantasic. I got a cramp from eating for a bit so I had to slow it down, and I really having never danced to bhangra did not know what to do, but I think after a while it mattered less. I realize that as much as I criticize it, I can dance well to 'Promiscuous Girl', so thanks Nelly Furtado for giving me my moment of greatness. Mana was so wonderful, she had all these wonderful classic Indian moves, and was so feminine as she spun on the dancefloor and arched her back. I absolutely love her. Soraya had so much energy that dancing with her was perfect when you were tired since you got energized yourself to keep up. Farwa was a natural, being punjabi, so had the shoulder pop down. Habeeb, as always, was just amazing. All his humbleness about being an "all right" dancer is bull.

Went to Leicester Square afterwards, best bottle of water I've ever had because of burning thirst. It was very cold and none of the clubs were free, so walked back to Holburn. It was lovely just walking through drunken and slightly hilarious Londoners so late at night trying to find their way, and I'm happy I got to walk in London with this group one last time.

Sitting downstairs in the bar at Holburn was heartwrenching. It was perfect, the conversation flowing between us like a symphony, and then emotion setting in as the realization struck that it might be years before I see these people again. Habeeb departed, which was difficult for Mana and Soraya who would not be seeing him since they left the next morning, and he would be in Scotland till Sunday before coming back to London. Finally, it had to end, and walking Soraya and Mana up was more than a little difficult. I'm so thankful I got to know them near the end, especially dear Mana. These girls, these wonderful cool Parisians, I owe some of the best conversations late at night here. I love them, truly, for thier originality, their romanticism, and their abject compassion. As different as they were, they were lovely, and I will not, I refuse to lose touch with them. We'll get together, India, China, Europe - so be it. We will all of us, all of us from here who've mentioned it- do the trips and meetings and keep up with the lives of each other through them.

This morning, I got a message from Mana that made me hate goodbyes for I always tear up-
dear sana i'd like to express the wonder it's been to to meet u but that would involve a big hug. i really hope we keep in touch. kiss farwa and maria. bye didi.



To London, to the people, the friends, the conversations, and the possibilities. It's been wonderful.

You've Got My Heart In A Headlock

I need to update this more, details leave me each day.

I went to Bath 2 weeks ago. Habeeb, Maria, and me, and it was madness. Initially, a touch dull not to mention expensive (40something pounds just train!) but it really ended up being a lot of fun. Glorious just running through streets, laughing as we get lost and get ripped off at really terrible museums- and then just stumbling along the way (oftentimes, literally). I saw one of Jane Austen's houses. Maria kept pausing for pictures, and the town is on a hill of some sort, so walking is like walking continuosly on an incline. Tiring faster than you realize. The coutryside around the town looks like Switzerland. I'm really grateful we didn't do a structured tour of any sort. I think you miss a lot when you don't have the freedom to stumble and find your own way.

I talked with Manna and Soriya until 5:30 in the morning last weekend. I wish I'd known that although they're cool, they're not that infinitely cool that they always have something to do - I wish I'd known that long before because I loved their company. I don't think I've ever been so entertained so late at night acting out scenes, lol. Soriya, I hope, will get married and start a family when she meets the right guy. Sometimes you just meet people who make glorious wives and mothers, and I think she would. As well as her education, I just think she would be wonderful at it. Manna, I have a feeling, won't settle down for a very long time. She'll travel, go through some more cynical years, and then hopefully find satisfaction. Liberation. Truly a citizen of the world if I'd ever met one. It's funny when simple characteristics of people are the one's you remember and adore. I love that I never need to worry about her, be it in a crowd, or a rush. She'll find you, that independence, maturity really, is extraordinay to me. Hopefully I'll be there soon, too.

Manna, Soriya, Farwa and I went to a protest against Israel's actions in Lebanon this past weekend. It was absolutely massive! Considering the night before we'd stayed up so late, it was more than a little painful to wake up early for it, but I'm more than a little grateful that we went. The drums, and the chants, and the collective voices- there were moments when it became bigger than all of us, you felt truly part of a living, breathing collective. It was hot, and more than 100,000 people came together - it was massive. So many different people, different races and cultures- all united against injustice and inhumanity.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley - flawless. Glorious film. Easily one of the best films I've seen in the past few years. Cillian Murphy is going to be offering brilliance in films for a long time, I imagine. I thought it was a singular portrayal of the Irish Republican movement.

I'm going to miss Farwa. It's not just having a good time with her that's made me realize that, but I feel as if I've found someone that truly.. is the depth and humanity and breadth that I've always been searching for in a friend. I've rarely enjoyed talking literature with anyone as much as her. She's got so much to offer, too.. immense capacity for compassion and insight. I hold a number of people dear to me, but her, she is one I admire. If I lose contact with her.. I won't. I can't. And someday soon, I hope we can take that glorious trip into obscure regions of China. It'd be like nothing else.

Went to dinner with Habeeb, Nikolai, Farwa, and Niko's friend Carlos last night. We were intending to go to a play, but since we were late, there was a Chinese restaurant down the street and it was wonderful. I'm going to miss those small little occurrences more, dinner and good conversation in an obscure cafe in the middle of London. Some of the greatest insights, funniest moments, and glorious occurrences of disconnect- then and there.

"I can't do the walk, I can't do the talk, I can't be your friend, Unless I pretend.. So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it, Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it..."

Spinning in circles, a token for all to see

This weekend was supposed to be Brighton. Aleisha got sick so that didn't work out. Perhaps I'll go on my own this weekend.

I went to a protest rally this Saturday against Israel's aggressive actions against Lebanon and Palestine. Peter, the Italian, and Chereen went together and must have walked 2 miles around London in that march. They gave signs out - Free Palestine, Peace in Lebanon, Bush No. 1 Terrorist, among the others, and it was really nice. It started raining halfway through so imagine cold London drizzle for about the last hour of the protest. We kept going, I can proudly say, however. I'm really glad I went. Even if it makes little difference, its a balm to one's conscience.

Went to Oxford on Sunday. I absolutely fell in love. I remember as a little girl wanting so terribly to study literature there. People had Harvard, or Yale, or NYU, it was always Oxford for me. Until that is I realized that I didn't have the focus and ambition to realize that dream when my family was on the brink of self-destruction.

It is literally gorgeous. Buildings of antiquity where dormitories are located, a feel that one is never too far to walk from one area to the next, parks of endless serenity, peace. Yet there's not the dull quality or small towns, it just seemed inspirational. Enough cute cafes and pubs to keep you entertained, while there's churches that Oscar Wilde walked through. The perfect place to study I suppose, you truly get the feeling walking down those small winding streets that perhaps you too can follow in the footsteps of greatness. Perhaps.. graduate school? London struck me as too rushed, too impersonal - although the life is enviable, I'm not certain I'm ready to jump in headfirst yet. Oxford, like Chereen said, offers that degree of quaint comfort that's so necessary for people far from home and all they've known.

And to hollow that all out with a capitalistic venture- I bought a sweatshirt. First college sweatshirt I've ever gotten. It mattered enough to me that I went ahead.

The trainride to Oxford was gorgeous. Chereen, Habeeb, Farwa, Maria, Aleisha, and me - it was nice.

I can't believe Jasmine is leaving. Oh God, I haven't allowed myself to think about it. I've had her practically everyday.. since coming here. She's as much of London to me as anything. I swear its gonna hurt when she's not here and it settles in that I can't just call her or text her with a dumb thought. I've never met anyone who's so easily become such a sister to me. It usually takes months and years to achieve that comfort level and trust- with her it was just instantaneous.

Time here, all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall/
They keep me company, but they don't ask of methey don't say nothing at all.
-Sarah McLachlan