My body is aching, it feels like its wearing me

It has been absolutely forever.

Its funny when in a couple of months, the whole world can shift on its axis. And the place you considered yourself at.. almost permanently for a while perhaps, is so far in the distant that its perplexing to even think of.

Fall semester of senior year '06. I feel like I've come full circle. And not just contemplatively since I've been in one hell of a frightening car accident Monday (hitting an ambulance in an intersection is a nightmare if there are any) and feel the need to reaffirm what I know of myself. The extent of how far I've come since I was a freshman in college with newfound freedom that I could barely realize.. is really just something else. I still remember how naive I was, how naive I still really am, but in the same sense, I miss that innocence. I miss that ability to not concern myself with anything outside of my bubble and my best friend and .. everything that wasn't UST. At the same time, I know looking back it was a kind of queer chosen ignorance. It was easier, it was safer, it was.. less worriesome, less challenging, less nervewracking. And now here I am, having symbolically at least taken a step away from it all. I don't think I could go back either. Not that the road is impenetrable now, not that there's too much baggage, it just wouldn't be wholly satisfying after I've experienced so much more outside of it, I would think.

The shift began when Natalie was still here, I know, especially during that spring semester. I could feel it, even if I couldn't say just why it was, that distance broached everything. I miss her immensely, and I need to write her. I'm indebted to her in more ways than she could know.

And then there was London. Beautiful, tragic, sheer glorious London. A lifetime in six weeks, a myriad of emotions & experiences & people & conversations I would sacrifice it all to have again. from dancing in Brick Lane to rushing through the tube before midnight, from losing yourself in the East End to taking in the countryside on a train, from the characteristic Starbucks chats to the poshness of Harrods, from parks and cemetaries and winding walks to Oxford Street and Bond to the originality that was Camdentown, from the lovely SOAS to the tragedy of the Thames at midnight to the wonder that was the high life of London- every inch of it was unforgettable. I couldn't get it all down if I tried, and yet here I am months after still attempting like a fool. There are moments when you feel so invincible, so alive, so in one - that you'll spend years after referencing it.

I was so ready to return, not knowing that what I missed so dearly since my departure, could not quite completely replace what I had found in my absence elsewhere. Still, 2006 was supposed to be London's year, and though it was so much, it had far more in store for me than merely overseas.

Due to chance and perhaps fate and maybe, just maybe, sheer purpose, I found myself drawn outside ofwhat had so consistently made up my life to that point. UST had always existed on the periphery of what I found important, and yet I'm more involved than I ever was. and imagined myself to be. Friends that I truly appreciate and feel connected to for with them I can be as paradoxical as I am and myself as I possibly could, I found in sometimes the most unexpected of places and ways. Thesis, as interesting and unexpected of an experience it was narrowing it down, brought me a great friend, Philippe. I'd known of him in the past since we are the same major, but hadn't expected the similarities between us, and am fortunate for the opportunity given to get to know him better (and thesis therapy sessions are much needed). With the Union of the Politically Progressive, on top of it, I think we make a great political and activist team on campus. I reconnected with another friend with whom I'd always felt a connection, but never had the chance to quite explore, Mars. She's just lovely, and really someone I think of as almost a part of me, we can be so alike. I found a great and hilarious friend in Ana-Maria, who's not only a perfect person to study with for her intense motivation, but one I just adored talking & connecting with these past few months, especially over tea. Reviving ISS also became a manageable task, and one I'll consider something to carry into next semester. I'm so proud of what we were capable of doing on that front (roundtable discussion success!), as well as absolutely everything the UPP did this semester. It will sound incredibly cocky, but the latter has to be the finest, most admirable organization on campus.

Its funny, almost, to think of how life changes, and yet things still proceed in the same thread. I didn't expect the distance between myself and her, and yet that distance can be so easily broached sometimes that I'm left amazed. Its just as it always was then, and I'm relieved.