I'd stop the world and - (if I could)

I may be going to London for the summer. I don't even know what to think when I say that aloud to myself. London is... I've wanted to live there since I was about 5 or 6. It was the most glorious place in the world to me. Every trip we took there, every week we speant roaming around on vacation -- it felt like it was the place that I would end up. Culmination. To think that I may be going there now on my own, even if only for a month and a half, is beyond comprehension for me.

I hate distance. Not physical distance, but emotional. The sort that when you're sitting with someone day after day after day, when they're across the table from you or beside you on a bench - you still feel so searingly apart from them. You feel some sort of contempt towards them, inexplicably even. As if the very little things about them you'd never found irritating or worth even mentioning now seem to irk you to the point of ruining your mood. I fear I might be going insane, maybe it's all in my head. It may be, but I can feel how I'm reacting to such thoughts and that distance on my part, that contempt - that's all real. I can't figure out why. Maybe I need to get away, too much stress, to much to deal with.

There was the most glorious, infinite moment in the park yesterday afternoon. I was listening to the end credits to the new Pride & Prejudice film, the delicate piano with the soaring orchestra - gorgeous piece. And I was laying back underneath this massive tree, its branches stretched over me as if it was an arm shielding away the elements. And when I opened my eyes just as the soaring orchestra came in to kick the song into its culminating peak - that moment of such utter perfection, the breeze blew through the trees and grass and all around me, the leaves practically sang in the wind as they swept down over me. The breeze kept up until the very last note of the song, and then just as it ceased, so it did.

There is goodness and there is beauty and there is faith in this world, and it is no lessened because it exists beside pain, lust, and apathy. I need to keep that in mind.